Thanksgiving Day 2011.
I am so Thankful this year. I felt compelled to make a choice...to just be happy. When you make that choice look in the mirror and love yourself? and love everyone around you?
That inner peace hasn’t always been so easy the last 5 years of my life. Work is hard and stressful but I go in everyday and choose to help people and put a smile on their face, it is infectious everyone should try it.
I am thankful for the the strangers that fight for our country. Either in foreign lands or on the streets of our city sidewalks. They are brave and courageous and do things most of us don’t have the guts to do.
I am Thankful for my family. They love me for who I am, no matter who or what I am. Willing to go along with anything and any discussion I may make for myself for the future. In my mothers words “Go for it”.
I am thankful for my friends, as we surround ourselves in a world of uncertainty and turmoil, we can still laugh at ourselves and use each other for support.
again, to my friends old and new that have recently helped me discover faith in spirituality in different forms as they present them selves everyone morning when the light shines through my windows.
and to that special friend that has brought my long lost boyish charm back. YOU make me feel like I am in a John Hughes films. Someday we will run around in wilderness together with complete abandon.
Thank You.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Insecurity
It is never my intention to make a gay centric blog. I just need a voice, my internal dialog has something to say. If it doesn’t have medium to release itself it might implode. My belief is that it will help me, and if someone can relate then maybe it might help US. Maybe other have a better way and can offer their ideas or solutions.
ONWARD
Insecurity...my mind killer. My hope and dream killer. My personality killer. My relationship killer. My killer.....
The blame always has to go on someone at work...they asked me to step down in the position of Assistant Manager as a result of store metrics. I was devastated, depressed and felt like a looser. I was thinking...can’t I get anything right. Who would want to be with someone like me. I went home and vented with a friend. I told him how I felt...so small...guilty of being less. He said as “gay men” we are taught that we should be less early on. It really had me thinking first of this guy was like way together, handsome, and confident looking. It turns out he had been out of work for over a year. Second thing I thought, how many gay men feel this way as well.
I can tell you as a child of the 80’s I was inundated with word faggot and queer to describe someone that was about ready to get beat up because they were week. In the 90’s Fag was a really good insult. In the turn of the century...the word “gay” was used to describe something that was lame or stupid...South Park dedicated an episode to it. I remember as a child to be popular you would have to good at sports. I didn’t want to play sports nor was I particularly good at them...except wrestling (go figure) (p.s. you'r dirty). I was constantly bullied for being different, being overweight, not being a jock. I held my head low so I wouldn’t get noticed or picked on. I was fortunate I did have some friends and I know many people who’s childhood was much worse than mine. I wonder though how did those words affect me. I also wonder what would have happened if they celebrated my strengths and pushed me to excel in other areas of my life. What if my self confidence was larger and I felt I could do everything?
I am a bear, if you're a heterosexual...you probably aren’t sure what it mean. Wikipedia describes as the following: “Bears tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set or muscular; some project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hyper masculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy.” I hate to say it...but it is true. Bears can be some of the most prejudice sub cultures of homosexuality. I was on Facebook and someone post “what is project runway” one of the comment was...”Watching it will make you want to go to the nearest gay bar and slap the fuck out of the first sissy queen you see.” I was floored...because first I love Project Runway. A show that celebrates diversity in a form of art and design. You have to be talented to win. Instead of sticking 7 people (that all look like models)in a house, getting them drunk and antagonizing them to conflict amongst one another. We have a show that celebrates diversity. Yes, they have gay people on there and some of them are people that might be considered effeminate. So, We are now going to criticize our own people now? We are all saddened to hear about a 14 year old boy that committed suicide because he couldn’t deal with the bulling...and he we are bulling ourselves. We think we are being funny, but are we. We are perpetuating our own stereotypes instead of celebrating them. How did you feel if you were a child in the 80’s and hear the word faggot on the movie screen? Didn’t you cringe a little either because you were scarred that someone would find out your secret or Shame...Insecurity, why? If you really think about some of those sissy queen, you will see some of them have the biggest balls and choose to fight for their rights, some did it on June 28, 1969 at Stonewall. It isn’t just the bear...as gay community as whole we are critical of each others. It really should stop, we should be making ourselves feel good about each other and promoting our strength as a people. We have a larger role in getting equal rights for ourselves.
I am skeptical...and nervous. As I get to know new people and don’t know how they are going to react to me. What should I say how should I say it. If I post this on Facebook will it sound feminine, maybe someone who doesn’t know me, will be put off. I have such and emphasis on acceptance. Why? Because of my killer...Insecurity. I am slowly learning that you have to accept yourself primarily.
Everyday I have to look in the mirror and tell myself your worth it. You're a good person. People will like you. You are physically attractive. You have something to offer the world. Ultimately, You can love.You will be loved. Most day’s I have to do it over and over. It is hard to deprogram yourself of the “fag” “fat” “ugly” person we sometimes see. I am ok with demotion at work. I realize there are other things going on in this world that have not a thing to do with me. I just got caught in the cross winds. My status in life is not who I am. I am someone...someone much more than a job.
As we go into the next year we need to rise up be heard, for diversity, and for that 14 year old that needs the extra love.
ONWARD
Insecurity...my mind killer. My hope and dream killer. My personality killer. My relationship killer. My killer.....
The blame always has to go on someone at work...they asked me to step down in the position of Assistant Manager as a result of store metrics. I was devastated, depressed and felt like a looser. I was thinking...can’t I get anything right. Who would want to be with someone like me. I went home and vented with a friend. I told him how I felt...so small...guilty of being less. He said as “gay men” we are taught that we should be less early on. It really had me thinking first of this guy was like way together, handsome, and confident looking. It turns out he had been out of work for over a year. Second thing I thought, how many gay men feel this way as well.
I can tell you as a child of the 80’s I was inundated with word faggot and queer to describe someone that was about ready to get beat up because they were week. In the 90’s Fag was a really good insult. In the turn of the century...the word “gay” was used to describe something that was lame or stupid...South Park dedicated an episode to it. I remember as a child to be popular you would have to good at sports. I didn’t want to play sports nor was I particularly good at them...except wrestling (go figure) (p.s. you'r dirty). I was constantly bullied for being different, being overweight, not being a jock. I held my head low so I wouldn’t get noticed or picked on. I was fortunate I did have some friends and I know many people who’s childhood was much worse than mine. I wonder though how did those words affect me. I also wonder what would have happened if they celebrated my strengths and pushed me to excel in other areas of my life. What if my self confidence was larger and I felt I could do everything?
I am a bear, if you're a heterosexual...you probably aren’t sure what it mean. Wikipedia describes as the following: “Bears tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set or muscular; some project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hyper masculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy.” I hate to say it...but it is true. Bears can be some of the most prejudice sub cultures of homosexuality. I was on Facebook and someone post “what is project runway” one of the comment was...”Watching it will make you want to go to the nearest gay bar and slap the fuck out of the first sissy queen you see.” I was floored...because first I love Project Runway. A show that celebrates diversity in a form of art and design. You have to be talented to win. Instead of sticking 7 people (that all look like models)in a house, getting them drunk and antagonizing them to conflict amongst one another. We have a show that celebrates diversity. Yes, they have gay people on there and some of them are people that might be considered effeminate. So, We are now going to criticize our own people now? We are all saddened to hear about a 14 year old boy that committed suicide because he couldn’t deal with the bulling...and he we are bulling ourselves. We think we are being funny, but are we. We are perpetuating our own stereotypes instead of celebrating them. How did you feel if you were a child in the 80’s and hear the word faggot on the movie screen? Didn’t you cringe a little either because you were scarred that someone would find out your secret or Shame...Insecurity, why? If you really think about some of those sissy queen, you will see some of them have the biggest balls and choose to fight for their rights, some did it on June 28, 1969 at Stonewall. It isn’t just the bear...as gay community as whole we are critical of each others. It really should stop, we should be making ourselves feel good about each other and promoting our strength as a people. We have a larger role in getting equal rights for ourselves.
I am skeptical...and nervous. As I get to know new people and don’t know how they are going to react to me. What should I say how should I say it. If I post this on Facebook will it sound feminine, maybe someone who doesn’t know me, will be put off. I have such and emphasis on acceptance. Why? Because of my killer...Insecurity. I am slowly learning that you have to accept yourself primarily.
Everyday I have to look in the mirror and tell myself your worth it. You're a good person. People will like you. You are physically attractive. You have something to offer the world. Ultimately, You can love.You will be loved. Most day’s I have to do it over and over. It is hard to deprogram yourself of the “fag” “fat” “ugly” person we sometimes see. I am ok with demotion at work. I realize there are other things going on in this world that have not a thing to do with me. I just got caught in the cross winds. My status in life is not who I am. I am someone...someone much more than a job.
As we go into the next year we need to rise up be heard, for diversity, and for that 14 year old that needs the extra love.
Friday, September 9, 2011
when the phone rings...
I haven't felt this totally in-sync with myself in a while, it can be a little manic at times but I feel alive. A mysterious force that is guiding me, just letting it go where it needs to go. It took some new friendships to really bring out this energy. Others out there, that are kindred spirits. Although, for a few years now, I wouldn't have believed that. In the last few years my faith and or spirituality if you will, had become further and further from my grasp. People asked me how, when, or why couldn't you have some form of faith. I couldn't answer them...I didn't know. I think I did at one time believe in god or something significant, but back in the depths of my brain I had just desired to stop believing. I figured I need physical proof, because the invisible force just wasn't there any longer.
I really believed that at one time I had many interest in a higher power. I felt close to something, maybe an energy that I felt when at peace or in that zone. That feeling that makes you want to dance, sing, or smile alone or by yourself. Anyway, I have no idea who or what...I had always explored different religions and picked and took what I wanted from them, but nothing substantial.
Enter Dan, one of the most gorgeous men on the planet. No joke, dead serious, definitely an Adonis. He “hooked” up with some friends in Chicago on a big circuit party weekend. He had these great features, big huge muscles and eyes that were so sweet. He was hanging with my friends and I had my boyfriend with me at the time...but I couldn't stop looking at Dan he was gorgeous. I was intrigued by him he had a sparkle about him. I was fat and overweight and guy like that would never want to hang out with me. I used to tell myself I was lucky to have the boyfriend that I had even thought he was such and asshole to me and treated me like shit. However that was getting old so quick. The weekend continued and toward the end Dan and I started talking. He said he thought that I looked so approachable and fun. He said he had wished we talked earlier because we got along so famously. I didn't think I would see him again.
In the meantime I got rid of the 4 1/2 year relationship of someone putting me down. It had nothing to do with Dan. Although, I would admit I did have a crush on him, but who wouldn't he wad fucking hot. Moving on, this was one of the biggest times of my life. I was defending myself and was no longer going to take the pain I took from a crappy boyfriend that made me feel less. I was newly reformed, I had taken myself out of a bad relationship and found an inner strength that I had never had before. It was a good times for sure, my spirit was high...but I still felt always out of place in this party scene. Circuit Parties, where everyone had an amazing muscle physique, would get fucked up and danced tell they couldn't anymore. I was always an odd man out with all of these gorgeous muscular men. It was so important that I wanted to fit in with this crowd, I couldn't tell you why. I wanted them to think I was "A" list. After all my years in High School, trying to be a rebel against conformity here I am wanting to be fit in.
So here I am going to my friend in Detroit and low and behold there is Dan, staying were I am staying, again he seemed to be an awesome individual. We end up spending more time together was we went to bar or to a party. However, there were so many guys trying to get there time in with him to meet him, almost shoving me aside...Like I said he was and Adonis. The whole weekend we had a blast together building a friendship. Toward the end of the weekend, everyone was asleep but he and I. We were sitting talking about God and Faith, Energytell the early morning. We connected that night so well, I think I had a crush on him, but I was so amazed at his heart and soul it was insignificant the physical attraction to the energy we shared with each other. We exchanged numbers and began an amazing friendship that developed stronger and stronger. We truly believed we could feel when the other was needed...I seemed to call when he needed me and vise versa.(I have literally thought of him looked at the phone and see his name pop up. It was truly uncanny) He continued to visit Detroit and we would hang out increasingly...he kind of ostracized himself from my other friends because or friendship grew. He was there to visit them but often he and I would hang out. We would go to these circuit parties and he would dance for all these men, but at the end of the night it was me that got to go with him. Final, there was big party about a year later, Dan and I had hung out most of the weekend. I cared about him a lot more than I would was ever to willing to tell him. I was so insecure still and he was so gorgeous, I always felt like maybe he was my best friend but had pitied me and was just trying to make me look good. He spent the whole weekend with me. After a long night of politely "no" to a zillion guys he would just say: “I am with him” pointing at me...He Saw Me...he saw inside of me. He took me home and held me our relationship become physical that night. Then I didn't see him again, ever. Time had passed and I had move to Canada for a love interest. We had stayed in contact a few times by email, I was with someone else. I was in relationship and he was too, with drugs. The party scene had gotten to him and he started hanging with an unsavory crowd. While I let that phase in my life go, to many dead friends. I also had really discovered that I didn't want to be with people that didn't want to treat me with respect. The Adonis Factor guys can have their drugs and gator aid and miss out on some important relationships. I would rather be with people that want to change the world for a better place. He had yet to stop the drugs, many of my friends continue to use, their recreational use had turned to daily. I moved home from Canada and failed attempt at another relationship. I kept in contact with Dan we chatted when we needed and he from consoled me. On whim I mentioned if we were still single in a few years that we should get married. We would tell each other that we loved each other but I never knew in what capacity. He was my rock...when I needed him he always ended up knowing somewhere far off but would always call. We could never get our timing right to see each other.
I moved to Georgia and I was single. Longer than I had been in a long time. We had talked back and forth about meeting and for the first time starting a relationship. He had slowly stopped using drugs but on occasion would do some intense things with them and I wasn't comfortable with it, I made it clear. So we didn't meet up. We still talked about life, faith, and love on the phone. I realize he loved me, I knew I loved him but I was worried about the drug use. I meet someone and started a relationship here in Georgia. During that time our conversations of our love didn't come up, he was always respectful of my relationships. He did want to meet up, it had been way to long, he finally got the drug use out of his system. It was Christmas and he had planed to come see me after the holidays. I didn't hear from him. I eventually get a phone call. He told me he had been sick and had not been able to work or travel. Later I got the other call, He had cancer...He would never give me the details. I thought this big fucking muscle bloke will be fine, he would survive. We talked some more and he said he was feeling better and was going back to work.
I missed Dan but my mind was on my boyfriend in Atlanta. My relationship started to fail, it was hitting me hard. My boyfriend couldn't see what I see, the compatibility of us. It ended in March. I was devastated. I really liked this guy, I couldn't see why two compatible individuals would just not work. My room mate and friends would try to console me. I looked to god and faith, and couldn't find it. A friend consoling me said: "let god, and let go" I loved that statement seemed to help me hold on to my sanity for a moment.
Around that time I got a call. It was Dan he didn't sound well at all. I was getting ready to go out for the evening to try to get some kind of groove on, to force myself to some normality. My gut was saying get ready for this it is "big." I has thought maybe he was into drugs again...he sound so groggy. He was too the point right away, which took me off guard. He spoke " I wanted to call to tell you, you were the one. You were always the one." All my life I wanted to hear a man say that too me. Someone to validate you completely and totally. I could hear the pain in his voice. I told him I loved him. I knew something was up and asked him how sick he was, and if I needed to get on a plane and see him right away. He said no he wanted to wait tell he was better he didn't want me to see him the way he looked. I asked him to tell me where he was and he wouldn't. He said he would get better and come be with me. I knew it was a lie. I knew him and he knew me the more...He wouldn't tell me he was about to die. I freaked out and grilled him questions because I needed to see him before he passed. He knew he was passing on and so he rushed me off the phone...and said he had to go and " I love you"
I went out that night...blaring my music. It was really about avoidance.I haven't really shared that story for maybe a handful of people. Life went on.I thought maybe he would call and say he was better. It was a hope I had, back in my head I knew he had passed. I felt it, deep. I eventually just kind of forgot.
It was about that time whenever conversations about god came about I would say I didn't believe. I just can't imagine some man turning his blood to wine, etc. I needed physical proof. It wasn't just about Christian Religion...it was Astrology, Judaism, Kabbalah, all things I had some interest in past, were at that point unbelievable to me. I guess, I still believed in the kindness of humans (barely). No burning bush, no Jesus image on the sweat of towel, no counting the numbers of your letters of your name to determine your personality. I just didn't believe anymore. People would ask if I had always felt like that. No, I hadn't. I always felt close to something in the universe, connected if you will. The would ask why would you change your idea about it then? I didn't know. I came to the conclusion that I had just eventually saw nothing in my life but coincidence.
Had I looked harder my faith died the night of the phone call? I had not let god and let go, because I no longer believed in god. The person that just told me I was the one died, and I couldn't not be there to easy his pain to tell him to hold my hand. I had not put together that the one spiritual equal had faded. Who would always call me at just the right time when I needed him. Avoidance, at all cost had made me forget. The one that could relate to me. The one that validated all my feelings about the world and life and love. Someone who could read my soul and touch it like braille.
I don't know what it has been lately. I feel like something has awakened in me. Like I have third eye is open again, and I see ME. I like what I see for the most part. I have meet some people that seem to want to get to know me and enjoy friendship that is more than drinks at a bar. People who want to talk about life and love. People who want to see ME. I feel slightly vulnerable and right now I am opening myself up for it. I feel like a little pain and pleasure isn't so bad, it is something visceral that makes you know your alive.
I am moving on but I haven't forgot and I refuse too. I feel him lately, whenever I would think of him he would call...I haven't gotten that call. I miss him.
I really believed that at one time I had many interest in a higher power. I felt close to something, maybe an energy that I felt when at peace or in that zone. That feeling that makes you want to dance, sing, or smile alone or by yourself. Anyway, I have no idea who or what...I had always explored different religions and picked and took what I wanted from them, but nothing substantial.
Enter Dan, one of the most gorgeous men on the planet. No joke, dead serious, definitely an Adonis. He “hooked” up with some friends in Chicago on a big circuit party weekend. He had these great features, big huge muscles and eyes that were so sweet. He was hanging with my friends and I had my boyfriend with me at the time...but I couldn't stop looking at Dan he was gorgeous. I was intrigued by him he had a sparkle about him. I was fat and overweight and guy like that would never want to hang out with me. I used to tell myself I was lucky to have the boyfriend that I had even thought he was such and asshole to me and treated me like shit. However that was getting old so quick. The weekend continued and toward the end Dan and I started talking. He said he thought that I looked so approachable and fun. He said he had wished we talked earlier because we got along so famously. I didn't think I would see him again.
In the meantime I got rid of the 4 1/2 year relationship of someone putting me down. It had nothing to do with Dan. Although, I would admit I did have a crush on him, but who wouldn't he wad fucking hot. Moving on, this was one of the biggest times of my life. I was defending myself and was no longer going to take the pain I took from a crappy boyfriend that made me feel less. I was newly reformed, I had taken myself out of a bad relationship and found an inner strength that I had never had before. It was a good times for sure, my spirit was high...but I still felt always out of place in this party scene. Circuit Parties, where everyone had an amazing muscle physique, would get fucked up and danced tell they couldn't anymore. I was always an odd man out with all of these gorgeous muscular men. It was so important that I wanted to fit in with this crowd, I couldn't tell you why. I wanted them to think I was "A" list. After all my years in High School, trying to be a rebel against conformity here I am wanting to be fit in.
So here I am going to my friend in Detroit and low and behold there is Dan, staying were I am staying, again he seemed to be an awesome individual. We end up spending more time together was we went to bar or to a party. However, there were so many guys trying to get there time in with him to meet him, almost shoving me aside...Like I said he was and Adonis. The whole weekend we had a blast together building a friendship. Toward the end of the weekend, everyone was asleep but he and I. We were sitting talking about God and Faith, Energytell the early morning. We connected that night so well, I think I had a crush on him, but I was so amazed at his heart and soul it was insignificant the physical attraction to the energy we shared with each other. We exchanged numbers and began an amazing friendship that developed stronger and stronger. We truly believed we could feel when the other was needed...I seemed to call when he needed me and vise versa.(I have literally thought of him looked at the phone and see his name pop up. It was truly uncanny) He continued to visit Detroit and we would hang out increasingly...he kind of ostracized himself from my other friends because or friendship grew. He was there to visit them but often he and I would hang out. We would go to these circuit parties and he would dance for all these men, but at the end of the night it was me that got to go with him. Final, there was big party about a year later, Dan and I had hung out most of the weekend. I cared about him a lot more than I would was ever to willing to tell him. I was so insecure still and he was so gorgeous, I always felt like maybe he was my best friend but had pitied me and was just trying to make me look good. He spent the whole weekend with me. After a long night of politely "no" to a zillion guys he would just say: “I am with him” pointing at me...He Saw Me...he saw inside of me. He took me home and held me our relationship become physical that night. Then I didn't see him again, ever. Time had passed and I had move to Canada for a love interest. We had stayed in contact a few times by email, I was with someone else. I was in relationship and he was too, with drugs. The party scene had gotten to him and he started hanging with an unsavory crowd. While I let that phase in my life go, to many dead friends. I also had really discovered that I didn't want to be with people that didn't want to treat me with respect. The Adonis Factor guys can have their drugs and gator aid and miss out on some important relationships. I would rather be with people that want to change the world for a better place. He had yet to stop the drugs, many of my friends continue to use, their recreational use had turned to daily. I moved home from Canada and failed attempt at another relationship. I kept in contact with Dan we chatted when we needed and he from consoled me. On whim I mentioned if we were still single in a few years that we should get married. We would tell each other that we loved each other but I never knew in what capacity. He was my rock...when I needed him he always ended up knowing somewhere far off but would always call. We could never get our timing right to see each other.
I moved to Georgia and I was single. Longer than I had been in a long time. We had talked back and forth about meeting and for the first time starting a relationship. He had slowly stopped using drugs but on occasion would do some intense things with them and I wasn't comfortable with it, I made it clear. So we didn't meet up. We still talked about life, faith, and love on the phone. I realize he loved me, I knew I loved him but I was worried about the drug use. I meet someone and started a relationship here in Georgia. During that time our conversations of our love didn't come up, he was always respectful of my relationships. He did want to meet up, it had been way to long, he finally got the drug use out of his system. It was Christmas and he had planed to come see me after the holidays. I didn't hear from him. I eventually get a phone call. He told me he had been sick and had not been able to work or travel. Later I got the other call, He had cancer...He would never give me the details. I thought this big fucking muscle bloke will be fine, he would survive. We talked some more and he said he was feeling better and was going back to work.
I missed Dan but my mind was on my boyfriend in Atlanta. My relationship started to fail, it was hitting me hard. My boyfriend couldn't see what I see, the compatibility of us. It ended in March. I was devastated. I really liked this guy, I couldn't see why two compatible individuals would just not work. My room mate and friends would try to console me. I looked to god and faith, and couldn't find it. A friend consoling me said: "let god, and let go" I loved that statement seemed to help me hold on to my sanity for a moment.
Around that time I got a call. It was Dan he didn't sound well at all. I was getting ready to go out for the evening to try to get some kind of groove on, to force myself to some normality. My gut was saying get ready for this it is "big." I has thought maybe he was into drugs again...he sound so groggy. He was too the point right away, which took me off guard. He spoke " I wanted to call to tell you, you were the one. You were always the one." All my life I wanted to hear a man say that too me. Someone to validate you completely and totally. I could hear the pain in his voice. I told him I loved him. I knew something was up and asked him how sick he was, and if I needed to get on a plane and see him right away. He said no he wanted to wait tell he was better he didn't want me to see him the way he looked. I asked him to tell me where he was and he wouldn't. He said he would get better and come be with me. I knew it was a lie. I knew him and he knew me the more...He wouldn't tell me he was about to die. I freaked out and grilled him questions because I needed to see him before he passed. He knew he was passing on and so he rushed me off the phone...and said he had to go and " I love you"
I went out that night...blaring my music. It was really about avoidance.I haven't really shared that story for maybe a handful of people. Life went on.I thought maybe he would call and say he was better. It was a hope I had, back in my head I knew he had passed. I felt it, deep. I eventually just kind of forgot.
It was about that time whenever conversations about god came about I would say I didn't believe. I just can't imagine some man turning his blood to wine, etc. I needed physical proof. It wasn't just about Christian Religion...it was Astrology, Judaism, Kabbalah, all things I had some interest in past, were at that point unbelievable to me. I guess, I still believed in the kindness of humans (barely). No burning bush, no Jesus image on the sweat of towel, no counting the numbers of your letters of your name to determine your personality. I just didn't believe anymore. People would ask if I had always felt like that. No, I hadn't. I always felt close to something in the universe, connected if you will. The would ask why would you change your idea about it then? I didn't know. I came to the conclusion that I had just eventually saw nothing in my life but coincidence.
Had I looked harder my faith died the night of the phone call? I had not let god and let go, because I no longer believed in god. The person that just told me I was the one died, and I couldn't not be there to easy his pain to tell him to hold my hand. I had not put together that the one spiritual equal had faded. Who would always call me at just the right time when I needed him. Avoidance, at all cost had made me forget. The one that could relate to me. The one that validated all my feelings about the world and life and love. Someone who could read my soul and touch it like braille.
I don't know what it has been lately. I feel like something has awakened in me. Like I have third eye is open again, and I see ME. I like what I see for the most part. I have meet some people that seem to want to get to know me and enjoy friendship that is more than drinks at a bar. People who want to talk about life and love. People who want to see ME. I feel slightly vulnerable and right now I am opening myself up for it. I feel like a little pain and pleasure isn't so bad, it is something visceral that makes you know your alive.
I am moving on but I haven't forgot and I refuse too. I feel him lately, whenever I would think of him he would call...I haven't gotten that call. I miss him.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
SONIC BOOOOOOM
I was in about 4th grade? on Spring Break with my family in Florida.We were staying at my Aunt and Uncles place a nice trailer community. My mother and I had just did some shopping and she bought me some Transformers to occupy my time.
These two Transformers were minions of Soundwave I believe...when you placed them together they became a character named Sonic Boom.
As I transformed them and announced Sonic Boom...the trailer rattled and moved violently as we heard a large noise.
My aunt comes out and tells us that it was a sonic boom from the local military base....OMG!!! Hows that for imagination.
These two Transformers were minions of Soundwave I believe...when you placed them together they became a character named Sonic Boom.
As I transformed them and announced Sonic Boom...the trailer rattled and moved violently as we heard a large noise.
My aunt comes out and tells us that it was a sonic boom from the local military base....OMG!!! Hows that for imagination.
earliest memory
I know this may sound like child abuse but it wasn't. I was really young, I couldn't even gage how old I was. I guess I was still having trouble using the toilet i.e. I was in diaper or training pants? My mom had a tip from one of her friends, that she wiped it on front of child it would help. I have no idea how or why she thought this was a good idea. It is not unlike rubbing a dogs nose in poo. In fact it is basically the same concept.
Opps,I did it again.
My mom rushes me by hand to the bathroom and starts a bath. my very young, but older by three years, sister is at the door in a panic. My mom is upset and she knows. My mother begins to strip me naked. She take my underwear (or training pants and wipes) the shit on the front of my naked chest. I am in shock. My sister is in shock. I am point at it with both hands fingers and arms moving in and out like I am directing air traffic to the strip of poop on my chest. Apparently, the noise that was coming out of my perfectly shaped "O" lips was a cross between a grunt and a shrill, if that is even possible. I was quickly placed in a sudsy bath. I was quickly placed in a sudsy bath.
A few weeks later I apparently had Diarrhea and had a little bit in my pant. My sister with concern says "your not going to wipe it on him are you Momma?"
This story got told a lot, yes it is kind of funny. I have even told this story. I was thinking about it the other day though and hope no one had ever thought to turn my mom in. That fact that she had the bath running before she did wipe the poop helps...right?!
My other thought is if this is in fact my first Memory. I hope it it wasn't a self fulfilling or a reflection on my life to come. errr...
Opps,I did it again.
My mom rushes me by hand to the bathroom and starts a bath. my very young, but older by three years, sister is at the door in a panic. My mom is upset and she knows. My mother begins to strip me naked. She take my underwear (or training pants and wipes) the shit on the front of my naked chest. I am in shock. My sister is in shock. I am point at it with both hands fingers and arms moving in and out like I am directing air traffic to the strip of poop on my chest. Apparently, the noise that was coming out of my perfectly shaped "O" lips was a cross between a grunt and a shrill, if that is even possible. I was quickly placed in a sudsy bath. I was quickly placed in a sudsy bath.
A few weeks later I apparently had Diarrhea and had a little bit in my pant. My sister with concern says "your not going to wipe it on him are you Momma?"
This story got told a lot, yes it is kind of funny. I have even told this story. I was thinking about it the other day though and hope no one had ever thought to turn my mom in. That fact that she had the bath running before she did wipe the poop helps...right?!
My other thought is if this is in fact my first Memory. I hope it it wasn't a self fulfilling or a reflection on my life to come. errr...
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