Insecurity

It is never my intention to make a gay centric blog. I just need a voice, my internal dialog has something to say. If it doesn’t have medium to release itself it might implode. My belief is that it will help me, and if someone can relate then maybe it might help US. Maybe other have a better way and can offer their ideas or solutions.

ONWARD

Insecurity...my mind killer. My hope and dream killer. My personality killer. My relationship killer. My killer.....

The blame always has to go on someone at work...they asked me to step down in the position of Assistant Manager as a result of store metrics. I was devastated, depressed and felt like a looser. I was thinking...can’t I get anything right. Who would want to be with someone like me. I went home and vented with a friend. I told him how I felt...so small...guilty of being less. He said as “gay men” we are taught that we should be less early on. It really had me thinking first of this guy was like way together, handsome, and confident looking. It turns out he had been out of work for over a year. Second thing I thought, how many gay men feel this way as well.

I can tell you as a child of the 80’s I was inundated with word faggot and queer to describe someone that was about ready to get beat up because they were week. In the 90’s Fag was a really good insult. In the turn of the century...the word “gay” was used to describe something that was lame or stupid...South Park dedicated an episode to it. I remember as a child to be popular you would have to good at sports. I didn’t want to play sports nor was I particularly good at them...except wrestling (go figure) (p.s. you'r dirty). I  was constantly bullied for being different, being overweight, not being a jock. I held my head low so I wouldn’t get noticed or picked on. I was fortunate I did have some friends and I know many people who’s childhood was much worse than mine. I wonder though how did those words affect me. I also wonder what would have happened if they celebrated my strengths and pushed me to excel in other areas of my life. What if my self confidence was larger and I felt I could do everything?

I am a bear, if you're a heterosexual...you probably aren’t sure what it mean. Wikipedia describes as the following: “Bears tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set or muscular; some project an image of rugged masculinity in their grooming and appearance, though none of these are requirements or unique indicators. Some bears place importance on presenting a hyper masculine image and may shun interaction with, and even disdain, men who exhibit effeminacy.” I hate to say it...but it is true. Bears can be some of the most prejudice sub cultures of homosexuality. I was on Facebook and someone post “what is project runway”  one of the comment was...”Watching it will make you want to go to the nearest gay bar and slap the fuck out of the first sissy queen you see.” I was floored...because first I love Project Runway. A show that celebrates diversity in a form of art and design. You have to be talented to win. Instead of sticking 7 people (that all look like models)in a house, getting them drunk and antagonizing them to conflict amongst one another. We have a show that celebrates diversity. Yes, they have gay people on there and some of them are people that might be considered effeminate. So, We are now going to criticize our own people now? We are all saddened to hear about a 14 year old boy that committed suicide because he couldn’t deal with the bulling...and he we are bulling ourselves. We think we are being funny, but are we. We are perpetuating our own stereotypes instead of celebrating them. How did you feel if you were a child in the 80’s and hear the word faggot on the movie screen? Didn’t you cringe a little either because you were scarred that someone would find out your secret or Shame...Insecurity, why? If you really think about some of those sissy queen, you will see some of them have the biggest balls and choose to fight for their rights, some did it on June 28, 1969 at Stonewall. It isn’t just the bear...as gay community as whole we are critical of each others. It really should stop, we should be making ourselves feel good about each other and promoting our strength as a people. We have a larger role in getting equal rights for ourselves.

I am skeptical...and nervous. As I get to know new people and don’t know how they are going to react to me. What should I say how should I say it. If I post this on Facebook will it sound feminine, maybe someone who doesn’t know me, will be put off. I have such and emphasis on acceptance. Why? Because of my killer...Insecurity. I am slowly learning that you have to accept yourself primarily.
Everyday I have to look in the mirror and tell myself your worth it. You're a good person. People will like you. You are physically attractive. You have something to offer the world. Ultimately, You can love.You will be loved. Most day’s I have to do it over and over. It is hard to deprogram yourself of the “fag” “fat” “ugly” person we sometimes see. I am ok with demotion at work. I realize there are other things going on in this world that have not a thing to do with me. I just got caught in the cross winds. My status in life is not who I am. I am someone...someone much more than a job.

As we go into the next year we need to rise up be heard, for diversity, and for that 14 year old that needs the extra love.